Thursday, December 20, 2012

Hating on Hipsters

I've been told I should write a blog. "You should write a blog!"

Here's your damn blog, dammit.

So I collect stuff, and I don't know why. Toys, games, records, music stuff, postcards, books, magazines, radios, artwork, furniture. Acquire it, admire it, store it away. And then when I die, all this stuff will still be here. Some fucking hipster will be stroking his beard at the estate sale, wondering if having my suitcase record player will convince the girl that he's been after for like 6 years that he's cool enough to sleep with, even though she says they are just friends and frankly wouldn't mind if he fucked off and died. But he'll take what he sees as a worthy gamble, and move his ridiculous giant keychain out of the way to get to his wallet and fish out the $95 for the record player that I had to DRIVE 150 MILES AND PAY $300 TO ACQUIRE. WHAT THE FUCK? WHO IS IN CHARGE OF THIS FUCKING ESTATE SALE?


If she did sleep with him, I would have to rise from the dead and punch them both IN THE FACE. I'd be like, "Seriously? You slept with his weaselly ass because you were charmed by my record player?" Cause it sure wasn't his "band" that won her over. He even bores himself with his music.

He doesn't have a chance with the girl anyway, because what he doesn't realize is that having old stuff DOESN'T MAKE YOU HOT. If you ALREADY are hot, having CERTAIN vintage items can make you more hot. Like records, or books. But not action figures or cars. No. Having vintage things that were made for kids (like I have a LOT of) makes you a loser, even if you are hot. It subtracts from your hotness. On the other hand, having vintage things that make you seem historically astute, intellectually curious, or able to groove on sounds by dead people, that multiplies your hotness.

Of course if you're already hot, you could have anything strewn about your apartment/house. And if your guest wants to get laid by you, expect compliments to ensue. "You collect Hummels! And Thomas Kinkade prints! Oh my God, that's so cool! How did you get into collecting those? Tell me more! While I sit next to you!"

Or if your guest doesn't consider you hot, expect the opposite. "You have a collection of the first guitars ever made by Gibson? Recently unearthed never-heard original tapes by the Beatles? A missing piece from the Rosetta Stone? King Arthur's actual sword? Huh. Well, I gotta get to the gym before it gets too late. See ya!" People suck.

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